The real problem isn't always a lack of support. Sometimes, it's a lack of support that feels emotionally safe to use.

You can be surrounded by people and still feel alone.

It's one of the more difficult realities of motherhood, and one that deserves greater attention in conversations about maternal wellbeing.

The 2026 Beyond “the Village” report, published by Women's Agenda in partnership with Medibank, brings important attention to maternal loneliness in Australia. It explores the experiences of mothers navigating loneliness, disconnection and changing relationships with their support networks.

But after spending time reflecting on its findings, one question has stayed with me.

What if the problem isn't simply that mothers don't have enough support, but that the support available to them doesn't always feel emotionally usable?

It's an important distinction, because having people around you and feeling genuinely supported are not necessarily the same thing.

Why do mothers feel lonely even when they have support?

Maternal loneliness isn't always about being physically alone. It can also emerge when a mother feels unable to share what she's actually experiencing.

On paper, she might have a partner, family nearby, friends, a mothers' group or access to healthcare professionals.

And yet, she may still feel disconnected.

Perhaps she doesn't want to worry her partner. Perhaps she's tired of receiving advice when she really just wants someone to listen. Perhaps she's struggling with feelings she doesn't quite understand herself.

Or perhaps she simply doesn't have the energy to explain how she's feeling.

This is where the difference between support being available and support feeling accessible becomes important.

Someone can genuinely want to help, and a mother can still find it difficult to reach for that help.

What does emotionally usable support actually mean?

Emotionally usable support is support that feels safe, accessible and realistic to engage with.

It's not a formal clinical category. It's a way of describing something that can be missing from otherwise well-intentioned support systems.

For mothers, emotionally usable support might mean:

• Being able to express difficult feelings without worrying about judgement.

• Having someone listen without immediately offering advice or solutions.

• Being able to access support without having to explain everything from the beginning.

• Finding moments of connection that fit around the demands of caring for a baby or young child.

• Having somewhere private to acknowledge thoughts and feelings before deciding whether to share them.

It recognises that the emotional effort required to seek support matters, too.

Because sometimes, asking for help can feel like another task on an already overwhelming list.

When mothers feel they have to say, "I'm fine"

One of the quieter experiences of motherhood is learning to minimise what you're carrying.

A mother might be exhausted, overwhelmed or questioning her sense of identity, while still appearing to manage everything around her.

She gets through the day. She responds to messages. She cares for her children. She continues meeting the expectations placed on her.

And when someone asks how she's doing, the easiest answer is often, "I'm fine."

Not necessarily because she doesn't trust the person asking, but because being completely honest can feel complicated.

She might not want to appear ungrateful. She might worry that her feelings will be misunderstood. Or she might not have the words to explain what's happening.

This kind of emotional masking can create a disconnect between what a mother is experiencing internally and what others see.

Looking like you're coping doesn't always mean you're feeling supported.

And when those internal experiences have nowhere to go, loneliness can exist even in the middle of a busy, connected life.

Why more support isn't always the complete answer

When we talk about improving postpartum support, the conversation often focuses on increasing access.

More services. More programs. More opportunities to connect. More encouragement to ask for help.

These are important.

But access alone doesn't tell us whether a mother feels comfortable using the support available to her.

We also need to ask:

• Does she feel safe being honest?

• Can she engage without feeling judged or pressured?

• Is the support available when she actually needs it?

• Does it fit into her everyday life?

• Does it reduce her emotional load, rather than adding to it?

For a mother navigating fragmented sleep, feeding, work, household responsibilities and the constant demands of caring for others, even attending a scheduled support session can feel difficult.

That doesn't mean structured support isn't valuable. It means we need different kinds of support for different moments.

A mothers' group may provide connection. A psychologist may provide clinical care. A trusted friend may offer reassurance.

And sometimes, a mother may simply need a private moment to acknowledge how she's feeling.

These forms of support can work alongside one another.

The everyday emotional experiences that deserve attention

Maternal mental health conversations rightly place significant attention on postnatal depression, anxiety and access to appropriate clinical care.

But motherhood also involves a broad range of emotional experiences that may not amount to a mental health condition.

These can include:

• Feeling overwhelmed by the constant mental load.

• Grieving parts of a previous identity or lifestyle.

• Feeling disconnected from friendships or social networks.

• Experiencing guilt about wanting time alone.

• Struggling to reconcile motherhood with work and personal ambitions.

• Feeling emotionally depleted while continuing to function.

These experiences deserve acknowledgement in their own right.

Not every difficult feeling is a sign of a clinical condition. Equally, significant distress shouldn't be dismissed as simply a normal part of motherhood.

The opportunity is to make everyday emotional support more accessible while maintaining clear pathways to professional help when it's needed.

What could better maternal wellbeing support look like?

The findings explored in Beyond “the Village” invite us to think more broadly about how support is designed for mothers.

In my view, five principles are particularly important.

1. Emotional safety

Mothers need opportunities to be honest without feeling that they have to justify, minimise or defend their experiences.

2. Low-friction access

Support should fit into the small, unpredictable windows of time that motherhood often allows, rather than always requiring another appointment or commitment.

3. Privacy and choice

Not every thought needs to be shared with another person immediately. Sometimes, having space to process an experience privately can be a useful first step.

4. Continuity

Emotional support shouldn't disappear once the immediate postpartum period has passed. Motherhood continues to evolve, bringing new transitions and challenges.

5. Connection to wider support

Private, everyday support should complement relationships, community networks and professional care, not replace them.

Together, these principles shift the question from simply how much support is available? to how well does that support work for the mothers it's intended to reach?

Rethinking the village around mothers

We often talk about motherhood through the idea of needing a village.

It's a valuable idea. Relationships, community and practical support matter enormously.

But the village doesn't look the same for every mother.

Some women live far from family. Some have support networks that change after having children. Others have people nearby but still struggle to feel understood.

And even where a village exists, it may not meet every emotional need.

Perhaps we need to expand our understanding of what a supportive village can be.

One that includes people, relationships, services and spaces that recognise the emotional realities of motherhood.

One where a mother doesn't always have to be the person holding everything together.

And one where support is available not only when things become difficult to manage, but throughout the ordinary, complicated experience of becoming and being a mother.

Why this matters to DearMe

This is one of the ideas that shaped why I created DearMe.

My own experience of becoming a mother made me realise how much can happen internally while life continues moving around you.

There were thoughts I wanted to capture, feelings I needed to process and moments when I didn't necessarily want advice or another conversation.

I just wanted somewhere to put what I was carrying.

DearMe was created as a private maternal micro-support and wellbeing tool, offering gentle guided reflection through text, voice and photos.

It's designed for the small moments in everyday motherhood, whether that's two minutes during a quiet morning or a moment of reflection at the end of a difficult day.

It isn't a replacement for relationships, community or professional mental health support.

It's another layer of support, intended to make it easier for mothers to acknowledge their experiences in their own time and in their own way.

Because feeling supported can begin with having somewhere to be honest.

A final thought

The Beyond “the Village” report makes an important contribution to the conversation about maternal loneliness in Australia.

But it also invites us to look beyond the number of people or services surrounding a mother.

The question isn't only whether support exists. It's whether that support feels safe, accessible and meaningful to the woman who needs it.

Because mothers don't just need more support.

They need support they can actually use.

If you're navigating the emotional demands of motherhood, explore DearMe — a private space for guided reflection and everyday maternal wellbeing.

Frequently asked questions

Why do mothers feel lonely after having a baby?

Mothers may experience loneliness because of changes to their identity, relationships, routines and social connections. Loneliness can also occur when support is available but a mother doesn't feel understood or comfortable expressing what she's experiencing.

Can you feel lonely even when you have family and friends around?

Yes. Loneliness is not simply the absence of people. A mother may have family, friends or a partner nearby and still feel emotionally disconnected, particularly if she feels unable to share difficult thoughts or feelings.

What kind of emotional support do new mothers need?

Emotional support can include non-judgemental listening, practical help, opportunities for connection, private reflection and access to professional care when needed. Different forms of support can be valuable at different stages of motherhood.

How can mothers find support when they don't have a village?

Support may come through trusted friends, healthcare professionals, local or online parent communities, maternal health services and private wellbeing tools. If loneliness or emotional distress is persistent or affecting daily life, speaking with a GP or maternal health professional is a helpful step.

Research reference

Women's Agenda and Medibank (2026), Beyond “the Village” — research exploring maternal loneliness and support in Australia.

The discussion of emotionally usable support is the author's interpretation of the issues raised by the report, rather than a finding or terminology attributed directly to the researchers.